Political Pun Master Pillows

'Locusts?'

British savings accounts

''...And defend the Constitution of the United States.' -- And now, I'd like to pardon the following Illinois politicians....'

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

'It's not easy being green on grass!'

Politically Correct Snowperson

"We live in the golden age of fake news, alternative facts and spin control. Your resume is too truthful."

'Well, if you're going to order 'left wings' and I'm going to order 'right,' maybe we should just order burgers instead.'

"Let's not try to make this symbolic. Of anything."

"Don't worry, Emily. . . I'm woke and you're woke, so I'm sure our baby will turn out woke!"

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"I beg your pardon," said Alice, "but which of you is the Democrat?"

Ask Sadie. Dear Sadie, I am 62 years old and was fired from my job of 22 years just before xmas 2010. What should I do? Sincerely, Irene. Attack! Stop! Enough, Sadie. Haven't you been listening? The mean-spirited, virulent partisanship of talk show hosts must end. People were hurt and some died. Aren't you the ultimate partisan, you coot? That's different lady! Fasten your seatbelts.

'He's Barack Obama? I thought you said 'he brought a bomb on!''

"Read me the one about Ali Obama and the Forty Community Organizers."

'I was all ready to deal with the military, but I never expected an IRS coup!'

Cake News: Britain Desserts EU

Rattache

"He, Igor? Who are we to play God with its gender pronouns?"

Statue of Liberty: Out of Service

Statistics Research: You Can Fool 45% of the People 55% of the time, but you can't fool all the people all the time.

"We're not a school. We're a political action committee!"

'When I said I was going to resign my contract, I meant re-sign my contract for another five years!'

'Scientists claim they have found the 'God Particle'. In a related story, they are still looking for the 'Job Creator Particle'.'

'What do you mean I used to be cute?'

"I feel that I've been given a unique opportunity to speak out on the issues."

Fresh Blood In Politics

'Mr. President, you have a phone call. It's the First Hen.'

I wonder who's Kissinger now?

"You've placed me in a difficult position here, Malcolm."

'Your North Pole is wobbling - you should see a spin doctor.'

'Yes, he plans to accept his party's nomination but first I have to accept his apology.'

'This is what I mean about inadequate interagency cooperation.'

'Very good, but not quite 'presidential vision'.'

Tinnitus.