Practitioner Of Puns Pillows

Tinnitus.

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"I keep feeling we should float the company"

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

Do it yourself books.

"He refuses to use these now they've made them gender nonspecific."

'I see adventure in your future. Yes. You're going to be a culinary adventure.'

Carpool lane (a car driving into a long pool).

'You wanted a speedy trial, so I'm sentencing you to a swift kick.'

The marketing is out there now. People all know the pizzas are prepared on the premises. So why no customers?

Kind- hearted, nature-loving Jeff built a new improved bird table.

Ghost Scare-apy Sessions

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

'And in conclusion...'

Tunnel of Accountants: "You've been selected for a random audit."

'I'm writing you a prescription for some people soup.'

"And another thing, it's real cool in the summer!"

'What's your poisson?' (Man reading report on Farmed Salmon Toxins Scare).

'In the circumstances, I think we should skip the housewarming party.'

"I washed my kilt last night , now I can't do a fling with it!"

'What do you mean I used to be cute?'

'I collect a different type of oil painting.'

'You give me goose bumps!'

The static electric eel is very rare.

"Of course you're bored, sweetie. It's the fin de siècle."

"Waiter, there aren't any flies in my soup!"

Weather forecast

"I said, ‘I hit on your sister!’"

'It's for my teacher. Do you have one with love spelled right?'

'We now have a drug to cure 'writer's block' but a common side effect is plagiaism.'

'No, I said put the money in the Caymen Islands.'

"Remember I promised you some fun and games in the bedroom?"

A robber halds up a hair salon with a hairdryer pointed at the customers - 'Hand over all your hair restorer or I'll blow you away!'

"Oh, very funny. If you don't like my cooking just say so!"

'It's as I feared: you have got a novel in you.'