Pun-loving Professional Pillows

Bank manager standing in front of safe has combination written on his hand

Hamster Cello tape.

"I keep feeling we should float the company"

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

Do it yourself books.

"I see you also took the road less travelled!"

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"I didn't say I started jogging, I said blogging."

'What do you mean I used to be cute?'

"You're a gifted writer, although at times you're just too precious."

'...And zap him quick, before that bleeding-heart Governor gets back from vacation.'

'I wanted to go straight. . . but then I learned a law degree.'

'We now have a drug to cure 'writer's block' but a common side effect is plagiaism.'

Tinnitus.

'Alphabet soup? -- oh, an intellectual, eh?'

Man in the stocks on his typewriter.

'I just had to come over...You caught my eye.'

'You precisely said 'straight over at the roundabout'. You didn't say anything about going around it.'

'Yes, I'm settling out of court.'

'I thought I'd try making marmalade. Do we have any marmals?'

Cat punishement.

'At least it's a dry heat'

Just in: Condolence cards for the small investor.

Extreme Accounting!

'You can ruin the present worrying about how the past will affect the future.'

The ol' swine flu gag.

'Hey, don't do that! Don't you know they send cribbers to the fox farm?'

'My son's doing work experience and he helps me with the small print.'

'Owr inglish teecher is rubish!!'

"He's afraid of needles..."

Crime A-L

'You want to see a lawyer? No problem — he's a lawyer.'

'Do you think he'll win the second race?' - 'Yes, because he's running in the first race.'

'Friday morning is no good for me- I'll be settling someone's hash!'

'If you commit a crime when you're slow as molasses & leave a trail of slime you're going to do some time.'