Weather-wise Worshipper Gifts

"Rain, Your Holiness—may I suggest the plastic papal vestments?"

Sunbathing in Autumn

it my imagination or is it getting warmer?"

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

Vishnu playing twin neck guitar.

'I don't think we're devoted to the Lord. I think we're devoted to dessert.'

"From the wind, the chill and the snow, a god is born."

"Communion at the contemporary service is scones and coffee."

'But, apart from the pews, the sermon, the hymns, the coffee and, 'all that praying', you'd come again?'

"We're testing a new virtual reality praise & worship system for the satellite campus."

"...and, for those parishioners who insist on a Eucharist made with all organic, locally-sourced ingredients, see Father Maguire at aisle three."

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

'This sermon will run a little longer because it's a sermon about sermons that run a little long.'

"He's so happy it's finally sunny and warm, he's been standing out here like that for hours."

"Before I start today's sermon let's take 5 minutes to view the highlights reel from the last 3 Sundays..."

Church Sign Asks If You Are Prepared for Digital Conversion.

Church Parking

"Finished feeding the 5000. What do you want to do with the left over fish?"

"If God wanted me to go to church he wouldn't have put football on Sundays."

'I know you haven't seen me.. your last sermon was so good, it lasted me an entire year!'

Sermon about 20 minutes

"Snowman 1 to snowman 3... UPS delivery complete... FedEx approaching fast... Amazon not in sight... Over!"

Yonder: Roll Call Every 15 Min.

'As a professional discount, I require you to say only two hail Marys.'

"Fantastic service, lousy food."

Sunday sermon: 'Dearly beloved, restore our faith in the almighty dollar.'

'Pastor, 'confirmed' means we only have to attend church on Christmas and Easter, right?'

'Please make it rain on the garden but not the lawn.'

"ButI thought he was just praying without ceasing."

"I guess I missed more Sundays than I thought."

I stick with the celebrity instructors. If I heard of them, I sign up with them.