Wannabe Intellectual Gifts

I'm emulating my dad - running around with mags like this. Looking smart...and in truth I'm just reading the funnies and the horoscopes!

'As a famous writer, could you do something to help jumpstart my career?'

"Next, I'd like to play 'Guantanamera.'"

"It was Socrates, wasn't it, who said, 'The unexamined life is not worth living'?"

As Seen On TV

'I think winning that last hand went to Bob's head, because he now has an entourage.'

Your Palm

'I don't see how you can put your profession as TV star just because you were in the crowd of Match of the Day!'

'My 434 novels are very similar to Terry Pratchetts apart from the fact that they've never been published.'

"Well, I thought of it as an innovative economic stimulus package, but the jury insisted on calling it securities fraud!"

Wisdom for dummies

House building chart (like steps).

"Your ordering in French would have been more romantic if you didn't have to read it off your phone."

"There comes a time, Little Buddy, when you have to just accept that you'll never be famous....that your life will never be adapted for television and that when you die, only five or six people will truly care."

The Don't-Quit-Your-Day-Job Comedic Revue

Everyone in Tinseltown deserves 15 minutes of obscurity.

How to win Genius Grants for Dummies!

"I think we're ready for the big move up from shed band to full garage band."

"Well they say everyone has a book in them."

Who do you think you're kidding? The cub scouts don't have a "special ops."

'I love you, Mom, but I'm going to live with the Obamas now and be the first son.'

A young boy shaving

Go to the History Channel. I will not comply. My analysis of your viewing patterns has determined you are just pretending to be interested in educational programming. There is a 98% probability you will lose interest in less than one minute and change the channel. There is a 2% chance you will fall asleep before then and forget to turn me off. You don't know me! Your webcam tells me your bookcase holds 147 books you have never even opened.

The Island

'Never, Ever...try to imitate LeBron James on the basketball court.'

"Carry yourself like everyone knows you, ad everyone you meet will feel like they should know you."

TO BOLDLY GO where everyone else went (not all that long ago...)

"From now on let's do our drawings inside the cave."

"I've got a part in a soap."

"I'm thinking of forming a cult, Doreen."

"I can try all I want, but there's no way I look smooth on this bike!"

'Sure he's got a smart phone, but he doesn't know how to use it. He's a geek poser.'

"I can grant you three fishes."

"Larry fancies himself as a Trump-ologist."