Wannabe Philosopher Gifts

"It was Socrates, wasn't it, who said, 'The unexamined life is not worth living'?"

'As a famous writer, could you do something to help jumpstart my career?'

'Agreed, 40 years is a long time to wander around, but think of the travel expenses.'

'Hey, 'Houdini', after you figure out how to levitate the cork ou tof the bottle, I can use your magic at the kitchen sink.'

Wendel enjoyed magic school but he was having a little trouble in his trickonometry class.

'I found this copy of 'Atlas Shrugged' under his mattress!'

'I think winning that last hand went to Bob's head, because he now has an entourage.'

Your Palm

'I don't see how you can put your profession as TV star just because you were in the crowd of Match of the Day!'

Parenting Academy...I failed insemination.

"Well, I thought of it as an innovative economic stimulus package, but the jury insisted on calling it securities fraud!"

"Your ordering in French would have been more romantic if you didn't have to read it off your phone."

'I'm sorry Mrs Jones, but according to these results your womb is extremely inhospitable, and your husband's sperm is gay.'

The Don't-Quit-Your-Day-Job Comedic Revue

How to win Genius Grants for Dummies!

"I think we're ready for the big move up from shed band to full garage band."

Before and After Tattoos.

"Well they say everyone has a book in them."

'I love you, Mom, but I'm going to live with the Obamas now and be the first son.'

A young boy shaving

Go to the History Channel. I will not comply. My analysis of your viewing patterns has determined you are just pretending to be interested in educational programming. There is a 98% probability you will lose interest in less than one minute and change the channel. There is a 2% chance you will fall asleep before then and forget to turn me off. You don't know me! Your webcam tells me your bookcase holds 147 books you have never even opened.

I'm emulating my dad - running around with mags like this. Looking smart...and in truth I'm just reading the funnies and the horoscopes!

How To Be In The Moment...a few moments before anyone else.

The Island

Recycling bank for illusions,

"Carry yourself like everyone knows you, ad everyone you meet will feel like they should know you."

I don't believe in god. So you're atheist or agnostic? Huh? You're certain there's no god or you're not sure? HOJ. I'm not sure. You're not sure about my question or if there's a god? O' lord, why do you torment me?! Adding further confusion.

'Have you got any self-help books?'

"Everyone was born with a purpose in life...."

"From now on let's do our drawings inside the cave."

'Leaving a stain isn't the same as leaving a mark, Axel.'

"True, time is money, but unfortunately, money isn't time

"I can grant you three fishes."

Not A Bookstore: Non-books that look like books for folks who don't read books, but want people to think they read books.

"Larry fancies himself as a Trump-ologist."