Wannabe Linguist Gifts

"Your ordering in French would have been more romantic if you didn't have to read it off your phone."

'As a famous writer, could you do something to help jumpstart my career?'

'Come on Jill, they say the water's well good.'

Malaprop Man! Adventures. Malaprop Man! Where have you been? At a stupor her comet confection! Did many of your fellow heroes show up? We had a great turnabout! Backman and the Incredible Bulk were there! So was Caption Americ, the Flush, Wander Woman and Plasterman! Very impressive. Who was the most popular with the fans? I think I was the main distraction! I have no doubt at all about that!

'In today's market hyperbole was up sharply. Similes and metaphors held relatively steady with euphemisms hitting another record low.'

"Next, I'd like to play 'Guantanamera.'"

"So you can tweet. That's why you have to learn the alphabet."

"It was Socrates, wasn't it, who said, 'The unexamined life is not worth living'?"

God sends a text message: 'OMME!'

"I think I've eaten something that hasn't agreed with me."

"I attempted to circumvent the traditional trappings of a teen furlough...but I was thwarted by my czar-ish parental unit."

'Once a donzel, the dyvour now settled for orts.'

Heart To Heart

Artichoking victim

A 'DIVERSION' sign points to a crazy guy.

'I don't like this part. 'Please find enclosed the inclusion of my enclosure'.'

"Is it ne'er do wells, or ne'ers do well?"

'Her being multi-lingual has it's drawbacks I'm afraid-she nags me in SIX languages!'

Overly wordy travel.

"You don't need to sacrifice good grammar in order to talk dirty."

'How God invented polish'

Simultaneous translation.

'I just need enough to send my Dad to cookery lessons!'

Boss hands over document: 'There are too many abbreviations in your report ? can you rewrite it asap?'

Cut A Rug

"I'm home deer!"

Back Down

"Spell "orange." "The fruit or the colour, Miss?"

'I think it's finally accurate to say that literally everyone is misusing the word 'literally'.'

How to win Genius Grants for Dummies!

I'll say one thing for that chef on TV...he really makes deboning a chicken look easy.

'How come it's always me who has his name taken?'

'We don't seem to be doing well in the foreign beverage market. However, due to a mistranslation of our slogan we've become the leading international provider of embalming fluid.'

'I just don't get that guy. Sometimes he sits with us... sometimes he doesn't.'

Having a varied diet doesn't just mean all 12 varieties of 'kwiknoodles'.