Vintage Detective Gifts

Flea Market

"...We've traced your lineage all the way back to a 15th-century East European Count."

The Ukraine, Europe and Fascism.

'Oh I don't mind you turning over my cups to look at the mark. But next time, please finish your tea.'

"Now we're leaving the hall of stuff we stole from other cultures and entering the hall of stuff we paid too much for."

'At a guess I'd say it's one of the lesser Pharoahs.'

Diary of a DNA Cop

Garage Sale (sign originally read 'Garbage' sale).

"...I have the oddest 'earliest memory' and I wanted to share it. It's just as wekkm I guess. Knowing some man secretly attended my first birthday party has caused me to question my parentage all these years....Especially since Mother Park made me promise not to tell Father that the potted plant was acually J. Edgar Hoover."

History Department: 'I used to be a revisionist myself, you know!'

'You're an inspector now?'

Working from home.

'No, not Cro-Magnon - something about it makes me think it's Neanderthal.'

Mobile Holmes.

'It's part of our Thanksgiving tradition - I hide the frozen turkey and Walter hunts it down.'

Golf Crime Scene.

'This is the museum's vault of 'Mislaid Masterpieces' which we 'come across quite by chance' from time to time.'

Dave could never work out how he lost his nose stud.

When policewomen date.

Mafia Passport Photo

"I wouldn't complain about the food too much if I were you. I'm the Birdman of Alcatraz, all I get is millet and if I'm really lucky a few berries!"

'Your blind date reminded you of a TV star?, 'Yeah -- I think he was wearing Columbo's raincoat.'

Oh, you'll talk – unless you want Joe here to go through your Insta and like all your ex-girlfriend's old photos.

"The usual, Al. Just sharpen the nose and hone the chin."

'Is there something you'd like to tell me, Edna?'

'How long have you had these cornflakes, Edna?'

"Damn. No hat."

'It never fails: The shortest distance between two points is always under construction.'

'According to your love line, I should be calling a cop right now!'

'Yes, it was number 4, I'm positive,'

'This looks like the work of a surreal killer.'

"I hate to be a wet blanket, Officer, but I wish to report my purse has been snatched."

"I'd say old school crime. None of your high tech methods here."

"You're not getting anything out of me unless you pinch really hard with your thumb and forefinger, then pull."

'Jimmy. Stick to the outline.'