Vintage Crime Story Lover Gifts

Mafia Passport Photo

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

Round up all the king's horses and all the king's men for questioning.

The Elliot Ness monster.

'Ah Mr Bond, I haven't been expecting you...'

"So, just to be clear: the 'voices inside your head' told you to launder the money from forfeited law enforcement seizures in exchange for federal tax breaks for your Uncle Mark in Costa Rica?"

'They're very proud of me. I'm the first in my family to be convicted of a white-collar crime.'

'During the break, my client stole my wallet.'

'I don't know officer: They all look alike to me...'

''Rumplestiltskin' sounds like an ALIAS to me!'

"Then leave the horses head in the Futon." Middle-class mafia

"You're not grandma at all! In fact, I think this is a case of identity theft!"

Mafia Short-Term Memory Clinic. 'Fuhgettaboutit.'

"Damn it—I told them I was too well known for undercover work!"

"I did, boss, I swear, I buried him myself."

"By Ned, you're right, inspector—the body has been moved."

The old good-cop, psycho-cop routine.

"Paper or plastic?"

"Now don't do anything flashy with the money, like pay off all your student loans at once."

"It's a forgery―and a recent one, too."

Fish mobsters.

The Ballad of the Lavender Dot - Part Three

"Let's try it again. Hand over your wallet, and this time, don't try anything funny."

"I couldn't finish that book either."

Cop Shop/Fake evidence/Plant now for spring.

"Daddy, can I have a pony killed?"

"I almost got away with it! Then somebody called in the SWAT team!"

"Sorry, Boss, I thought you wanted me to make it look like an accident."

'It's Yorick all right - I know his DNA well.'

Animals have broken into (and out of) Norm's home through window.

"It doesn't look much like a 'witty painting' now, does it sir?"

'Tonight's special presentation, 'The Myth of the Mafia,' was made possible by a grant from the Gambino family.'

Fake Counterfeit Money

'Aghh! I've been visited by the Russian mafia.'

"Make it look like an accident"