Heritage Detective Gifts

'The disocvery of trhe blonde Scandinavian gene.'

"...We've traced your lineage all the way back to a 15th-century East European Count."

CIA report

The Kitchen area of a Whitechapel Boarding House

Harry S. Truman

'I think we're losing sight of out roots.'

'Look! There's a Zyzzkzkk!'

Frankenstein's Ancestry

'Aloha! On behalf of the tourist board may I thank you for visiting our remote and mysterious island - Have a nice day!'

The Ukraine, Europe and Fascism.

"They lead a simple life - they don't even put gas in their cars."

Sadie, I just heard something disturbing, and I think you're the only one who can tell me whether it's true. Youtube is telling me we've lived 300 years of phantom time. Pope Gregory XIII's math was off when he created our calendar, and this is actually the year 1717. What's more, the "Middle Ages" is just a fiction the pope created to explain his rounding error. You were there, Sadie ... Did King Arthur really exist? I'll tell you all about that nice boy, as soon as I demonstrate how we dealt w

Gone Fishing

Celebrity Phrenologist.

'Oh I don't mind you turning over my cups to look at the mark. But next time, please finish your tea.'

Authorization for the Use of Farce

'At a guess I'd say it's one of the lesser Pharoahs.'

'I'm tracing my relatives.'

"Now we're leaving the hall of stuff we stole from other cultures and entering the hall of stuff we paid too much for."

'I've just discovered that one of my ancestors was a Security Goose for the Roman Army...'

'Don't mind me....I'll just sit here while you work on homeland security, unemployment, health care and your many other prbblems!'

Pasadena Playhouse War

"It's five post meridiem in Central Europe. Compliled form the major networks the news is next."

Russian Spy Debriefing

Alderman shocked at a proposal to pull down Temple Bar

"'Frankenstein' is Jewish. I'm Irish on my mother's side befcause she was green, and an 'O'Houligan'..."

History Department: 'I used to be a revisionist myself, you know!'

'Dad, have you ever thought about researching our family tree?'

'Son, history is important because it's the story of our past that we rewrite to understand our present.'

When you said you were going to find your ancestors I thought you meant on the INTERNET!

"Just a moment, please. I would like my mother's maiden name included."

'No, not Cro-Magnon - something about it makes me think it's Neanderthal.'

'Sodding Sat Nav.'

"Can DNA testing really prove that George Washington was the 'Father if our Country'?"

"My only hope is that future generations honor this day of independence with a huge one-day sale."