Historical Detective Gifts

"Now we're leaving the hall of stuff we stole from other cultures and entering the hall of stuff we paid too much for."

Use the Service Entrance

The Ukraine, Europe and Fascism.

'Oh I don't mind you turning over my cups to look at the mark. But next time, please finish your tea.'

'No, not Cro-Magnon - something about it makes me think it's Neanderthal.'

'This is the museum's vault of 'Mislaid Masterpieces' which we 'come across quite by chance' from time to time.'

History Department: 'I used to be a revisionist myself, you know!'

"Is this the best investment strategy you could come up with?"

CIA report

Harry S. Truman

'Look! There's a Zyzzkzkk!'

"...We've traced your lineage all the way back to a 15th-century East European Count."

Museum. Children love the Tyrannosaurus exhibit. Of course! T. Rex are for kids! (Published originally on Oct. 1, 2014.)

Frankenstein's Ancestry

Sadie, I just heard something disturbing, and I think you're the only one who can tell me whether it's true. Youtube is telling me we've lived 300 years of phantom time. Pope Gregory XIII's math was off when he created our calendar, and this is actually the year 1717. What's more, the "Middle Ages" is just a fiction the pope created to explain his rounding error. You were there, Sadie ... Did King Arthur really exist? I'll tell you all about that nice boy, as soon as I demonstrate how we dealt w

Celebrity Phrenologist.

A bunch of global warming skeptics want to join eco club. It's a school organization. You have to let them in. But they just want to harass us with selective facts! Today: Eco club. So? Debate is good. You have :An Inconvenient Truth" to counter their arguments. Oh. Great. Now we'll have to read it.

Authorization for the Use of Farce

'At a guess I'd say it's one of the lesser Pharoahs.'

'Newgate - Exercise Yard'

Evo-Tourists

"It's five post meridiem in Central Europe. Compliled form the major networks the news is next."

'Don't mind me....I'll just sit here while you work on homeland security, unemployment, health care and your many other prbblems!'

Russian Spy Debriefing

"...I have the oddest 'earliest memory' and I wanted to share it. It's just as wekkm I guess. Knowing some man secretly attended my first birthday party has caused me to question my parentage all these years....Especially since Mother Park made me promise not to tell Father that the potted plant was acually J. Edgar Hoover."

'Son, history is important because it's the story of our past that we rewrite to understand our present.'

When you said you were going to find your ancestors I thought you meant on the INTERNET!

'How do you expect me to concentrate when you're reading me my rights?'

"Have you noticed how climate change looks and feels the same as colonialism?"

Ferdinand von Zeppelin

"Hmm interesting Hallmark..."

The Oil of Iran

Ukraine Chasm

'Sodding Sat Nav.'

'Okay, just be patient -- it could be months before they learn to obey all of these.'