Vegan Virtuoso Gifts

"All the entrées are vegan, but they taste as good as endangered species."

"How almond milk is made"

Tofu

"You ever notice how Vegans use more grains, soy, and noun modifiers than most other cooks do?"

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

Veggie Hall of Fame.

'How many vegetables died for your stupid salad?'

"It's lactose-free! It's chemistry-free! It's free from animal by-products! It's the milk without milk!!!"

"My wife and I are now practising vegans!"

'..and we thank thee for these bio-engineered vegetables..'

"States of tofu"

"It's kohlrabi, the next hot vegetable."

Allotment

'You wouldn't happen to be sitting on my entry to the straightest runner bean competition?'

"Mom, I'm at work – let me call you back after I finish stocking milk for wealthy vegans who like beet juice in their meat alternatives so they can still get that bloody effect when cooking without guilt."

'So glad you could make our vegetarian BBQ.'

Queen of Quinoa

"Two vegans, please."

"Our fresh seasonal hand-crafted brews contain a full serving of spring vegetables."

Our farmer brought fresh beans, tomatoes, corn and squash this week. Nice. You should have bought into the farm share. I've got my own farmer. Mine's cheap. Mine's cheaper. Thanks, mom. You can't take more zucchini?

Give quiche a chance!

"Your momma lied to you, boy."

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."

'Perfect. Do you deliver?'

Frank & Ernie's Carrot, Beet, Potato Farm. Lunch break's over --- Shall we return to our roots?

'You may not feel any healthier right away, but you'll definitely feel more smug.'

"I can't go much longer without your asking why I'm vegan."

"Vegetables, vegetables, vegetables, welcome to my dystopian world!"

Excellent crop! What's your secret?

'Preparing rocket salad isn't domestic science, ladies.'

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

Vegetable Cook

OFA. Onion Farmer of the Year. I told myself I wasn't going to cry ….

"I don't care if it's plant-based, you're creeping everyone out."

-A garden uses a lot of water. -Most of it perspiration.