Underwater Homeowner Gifts

'It's a nice nook alright, but I'm more after something deep and narrow...'

"Our light bill is astronomical living next to a black hole."

'I found the termites!'

Fish snorkling above water.

Captain steering house through flood.

'Actually, a broken arm is not such a big handicap for me...'

'...and remember, son, never throw up on an old carpet...wait until they get a new one!'

"You've got termites. The good news is I gave them all little phones to keep their minds off doing any damage."

Whale Shark Thoughts...

'It's the newest thing out. A big screen fish finder.'

'For Sale by Neighbor'

"You seem to be balancing your workload well."

Beware of the Lawn

"The pH level seems a little off."

Gypsy curses didn't seem so threatening after the Mummy went into the peg business.

'I'm sorry, but there's nothing in the zoning regulations covering bad taste.'

"Don't bother going that way: They've installed shark nets..."

How's this mulch for improving my soil? Not good. It's full of toxic wood chips. They poison the dirt and don't decompose. Just what I need. Subprime loam.

"What, no day spa? And you call this a luxury bunker."

clown fish

"To be honest, I'd be stupid not to take advantage of the market."

"Moat? No - sump pump crapped out."

'No, we did not order a corner unit.'

'Hey! By appointment only!!'

'I think he wants you to play ball!'

"Alright be cool. We're just gonna ask for an autograph and be on our way."

All items on the premises have been marked for identification: 'My cat sprayed everything in the house.'

'You can't beat the old style security systems!'

"Every year I lay a thousand eggs. Mother's Day rolls around, not a single card."

'Hello, is that Dugdame and Son's, the plumber?'

"1 pinch of salt, 3 pinches of baking soda...oh dear, a cup of flour? How many pinches is that?"

"Living underground is not what it used to be."

'If you promise to never try to openthe locked attic door, the owner will take $20,000 off!'

'You don't know how lucky you are. My mortgage is worth more than my house.'

"Decaf for me, Peter."