Unapologetic Realist Gifts

"Larry is a white male, but he hasn't been able to do much with it."

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

"It's a Wonderful Life" if it was written by scientists.

"You will bargain away what little integrity you have left for what little job security you can gain."

'Wake up! You should be worrying about our investments!'

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

"Could you spare some change for a guy fresh off welfare?"

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

Dear Sadie, I'm just an aging Baby-Boomer who still believes in America, and sees all the good around me, but I don't understand why we've become so mean. How can I feel good about us again? Signed, Marlemarion. Great question. There's an easy answer as to how you can feel better about the world. Change your name to something normal! I just don't agree with the @#$% premise that we've gotten mean.

"The bad news is that we've had to cut most of the services. . . The good news is that we can now tell people in 23 languages what we don't do anymore!"

"You asked to see me, boss?" "Yes, Rudy. We have a serious problem here." "I'm going to need you to stop humming the 'Star Wars' theme 24/7." "Disney is notoriously litigious. If they catch wind that you're publicly performing the theme, they may sue the cafe for royalties." "Daaaa... daaaa... duh-duh-duh daaaaaaa... daaaa... duh-duh-duh... wait, what?" "If you cost me my livelihood, I'll do to you what Han did to that Tauntaun."

Inbox and Outbox

"I see fleeting moments of happiness in between extended periods of boredom and stress."

We have control of you brain.

'Management doesn't think we have a staffing problem...Apparently all we need to do is to use our imagination.'

Warning Being Alive On This Planet May Cause Cancer

"It breaks my heart to see you stressed out here at work, so you're fired."

"Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be... oh, never mind."

The Dungeon

I resolve to drive past a gym at least twice a week

"It's no good, Martin, it's still in the room."

"You can be anything!". . . "Take whatever you can get."

"That's Terri and Kip. . . our Imaginators. And over here is Al. He's our Get-real-inator."

'I tried for a new lease on life, but I got a lousy credit report.'

Japanese disaster

'Love gets the credit, but money makes the world go 'round.'

'It's very realistic, Katie. It comes equipped with plenty of redtape!'

'No fortune cookies please - I don't want to get my hopes up.'

'I'm looking as young as 20 years ago? Honey, promise me not to see an eye specialist for the next 20 years!'

"Old MacDonald had a farm"