Remarkable Realist Gifts

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

'The way the eyes follow you is uncanny.'

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"I like movies that resemble my life, so I don't feel like I'm wasting time watching a movie."

"We'll always have Paris..."

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"She can walk the walk, but can she talk the talk?"

Pinocchio's Second Realization

Characters jumping out of a book.

"No, I really DO love you. It's just that my committee has some issues."

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

'All I want for Valentine's Day is a Greek fisherman's cap.'

Tunnel of Love/Tunnel of Marriage

"You're calling it love, but it's really just static electricity."

'I'd like to dedicate this next tune to those who have discovered love, gotten married, and wished desperately for death.'

"And there was I thinking you'd been Beta tested."

"That dream catcher may be working a little too well."

"I'm actually pretty ready for bed."

Marriage least expected to last...

'I'd like your permission to enter into pre-nuptial negotiations...'

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

'Well I wouldn't have to fake orgasms if you didn't fake foreplay!'

A Zircon Is Forever

'If you really loved me you would have bought me flowers.'

'You mustn't blame yourself for everything that goes wrong, Dear. It makes me feel redundant.'

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

Unconditional Loveseat

"How do you love me. Count the ways!"

"Well, this isn't really going anywhere if you don't like public displays of affection."

"My computer just texted me."

"It's a Wonderful Life" if it was written by scientists.

'After sex he checks his cell phone messages.'

"I want to get married and start a family with you—although God knows who I'll want to finish it with."

"You'll note that the card isn't signed so my declaration of undying love isn't legally binding!"

'You wanted to go on a romantic outing. You're on a romantic outing.'