Remarkable Realist T-Shirts

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

'The way the eyes follow you is uncanny.'

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"I like movies that resemble my life, so I don't feel like I'm wasting time watching a movie."

Pinocchio's Second Realization

"We'll always have Paris..."

"She can walk the walk, but can she talk the talk?"

Characters jumping out of a book.

"No, I really DO love you. It's just that my committee has some issues."

Tunnel of Love/Tunnel of Marriage

'All I want for Valentine's Day is a Greek fisherman's cap.'

"You're calling it love, but it's really just static electricity."

"And there was I thinking you'd been Beta tested."

"That dream catcher may be working a little too well."

Marriage least expected to last...

"I'm actually pretty ready for bed."

'I'd like your permission to enter into pre-nuptial negotiations...'

'Well I wouldn't have to fake orgasms if you didn't fake foreplay!'

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

A Zircon Is Forever

'If you really loved me you would have bought me flowers.'

Unconditional Loveseat

"How do you love me. Count the ways!"

"Well, this isn't really going anywhere if you don't like public displays of affection."

'You mustn't blame yourself for everything that goes wrong, Dear. It makes me feel redundant.'

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

'You wanted to go on a romantic outing. You're on a romantic outing.'

"I want to get married and start a family with you—although God knows who I'll want to finish it with."

'After sex he checks his cell phone messages.'

"It's a Wonderful Life" if it was written by scientists.

"Boy, I hope we never end up like this."

"Forget about flowers, trust me, bring her honey: It's a sure way to one's heart..."

"My computer just texted me."