Umpire Humorist Gifts

'...I mean, kicked out of the game is serious, but kicked off the planet?'

Various degrees of 'out' and the corresponding behaviour of umpires.

Umpire School Taking A Ball Four.

"Kill the third base umpire."

Open mike night presents Sadie Cohen. Summer's almost over

"Don't worry, Ref, just shock, it's his first save all season."

'These goalscoring celebrations are getting out of hand.'

Football Chameleon

Punt Cake

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

"After the drugstore, I need you to find fresh parmesan."

A man sees Zeus throwing lightning bolts on the balcony of his apartment.

'Now that's the Group of Death.'

Alternative fielding positions

Gary turns 40.

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

Trojan Hurdler.

Baseball pitch with a sign saying 'No Left Turn.'

"He's got great velocity but his trajectory needs work."

"This ump is so good he doesn't even blink."

"Getting the hang of it?"

Sloth 10K.

'I reckon we need a new sweeper.'

"This is all we have available. It has an accordian front door, a shelf, a phone, and a spectacular view."

But does he dust anything at our home? Noooo

"Whaddya want for nineteen mil?"

'I got a reverse hat trick. I let three goals in.'

'...I don't like your chances!'

The Hockey World

'Why do they call him Neckline Ned.' - 'He's always plunging down the middle but never showing anything.'

'We went generic. The players' salaries are affordable.'

'I hate it when they emulate their major league heroes.'

'Sean Connery was the best James Bond!'

'The only thing exciting about these games is our dads fighting with the umpire.'

Get back in that locker room! Go on - scat! ... Anyone else forget to wash his hands?'