Umpire Humorist Pillows

'...I mean, kicked out of the game is serious, but kicked off the planet?'

Various degrees of 'out' and the corresponding behaviour of umpires.

Umpire School Taking A Ball Four.

"Kill the third base umpire."

"Don't worry, Ref, just shock, it's his first save all season."

'These goalscoring celebrations are getting out of hand.'

Punt Cake

Football Chameleon

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

"After the drugstore, I need you to find fresh parmesan."

Alternative fielding positions

A man sees Zeus throwing lightning bolts on the balcony of his apartment.

Gary turns 40.

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

Trojan Hurdler.

"This ump is so good he doesn't even blink."

"He's got great velocity but his trajectory needs work."

Baseball pitch with a sign saying 'No Left Turn.'

'Sean Connery was the best James Bond!'

'I got a reverse hat trick. I let three goals in.'

'I reckon we need a new sweeper.'

'I hate it when they emulate their major league heroes.'

"This is all we have available. It has an accordian front door, a shelf, a phone, and a spectacular view."

'...I don't like your chances!'

'Why do they call him Neckline Ned.' - 'He's always plunging down the middle but never showing anything.'

"Whaddya want for nineteen mil?"

'We went generic. The players' salaries are affordable.'

Get back in that locker room! Go on - scat! ... Anyone else forget to wash his hands?'

Cricket widow's revenge 2

'That was a flagrant misconduct of the left hand.'

'The only thing exciting about these games is our dads fighting with the umpire.'

'It looks suspiciously like Killer Hart is taking a dive!'