Umpire Gifts

"Let's go slider, fastball, curve, beanball, fight, ejection, shower, beer."

'Don't rush me! I need some time to process everything.'

'Wimbledon - The British weather is causing ever more contentious line-calls.'

"What a match...have you seen that crazy guy running across the field? He was irritating players and fans! I want to know why the scurity guards did not stop him!" "Becase he was the referee."

Umpires filing trays marked 'safe' and 'out'.

Tennis Court - "How do you plead?"

"He only became an umpire to hide his bald spot and his big pot!"

A picket line for the umpires union.

'Fouls and other violations have plummeted since the league introduced corporal punishment.'

"I'm afraid he's right-there's nothing in here about slobber balls."

'OK, Doug, don't tell Bill because he'll fire me, but everything a foot in front of my face is a blur.'

'I think your strike call was great, but my manager disagrees.'

'We should have asserted control early on. They've been jawing at each other all game long. It was bound to turn violent.'

One more over, before it gets too dark.

'...and Fred here will be your overseer.'

'Psssst! Ump! Wrong way!'

'And then when the whole crowd started yelling 'kill the umpire', something snapped.'

'We had no choice, ump. Their pitcher threw a brushback, and so we retaliated with a burshback...'

'He supports 3 strikes and you're out.'

Shows thought bubbles, only the umpires mind isn't on the game

"Damn! Trust me to get a seat behind the umpire!"

'If it wasn't for Jim Jones we would have lost today. . . he's the umpire.'

Because the bowler had his back turned the umpire couldn't be sure the ball was being tampered with.

'If the subject should ever come up, you can say you're legally blind'

'How to get to the umpire' number 1

Bowler: 'How's that?' Umpire: 'Wasn't looking. But if 'e does it again 'e's out!'

'At least, this referee must be impartial, right?'

You promised you wouldn't bring work home with you!

'He's signalling to the pavilion...He seems to want something...I can't tell what...'

'Technically, that has to go down as a missed chance...'

Line Call in Tennis

Cricketers sweater stretched.

Cricket umpire with pile of helmets.

'What do you mean there's no specific rule that forbids a center fielder from doing that?'

'It's not your fault, Dewey. Whenever a call doesn't go his way, he goes ballistic.'