Umpire Gifts

"Let's go slider, fastball, curve, beanball, fight, ejection, shower, beer."

'Don't rush me! I need some time to process everything.'

'Wimbledon - The British weather is causing ever more contentious line-calls.'

"What a match...have you seen that crazy guy running across the field? He was irritating players and fans! I want to know why the scurity guards did not stop him!" "Becase he was the referee."

To appease the fans, major-league umpires are now required to take eye exams during the seventh inning stretch.

Umpires filing trays marked 'safe' and 'out'.

Tennis Court - "How do you plead?"

"He only became an umpire to hide his bald spot and his big pot!"

'Whoa! Time out. The loud guy in the white shirt is right - that was a ball. My mistake. Sorry everyone. Thank you, sir.'

A picket line for the umpires union.

"I warned you about putting funny stuff on the ball, Flanagan."

'Fouls and other violations have plummeted since the league introduced corporal punishment.'

Succumbing to pressure from players and fans, the home plate umpire agrees to undergo on-the-spot Lasik eye surgery.

One more over, before it gets too dark.

'We should have asserted control early on. They've been jawing at each other all game long. It was bound to turn violent.'

'Psssst! Ump! Wrong way!'

'...and Fred here will be your overseer.'

'OK, Doug, don't tell Bill because he'll fire me, but everything a foot in front of my face is a blur.'

Umpire's Banquet.

'I think your strike call was great, but my manager disagrees.'

"I'm afraid he's right-there's nothing in here about slobber balls."

Bowler: 'How's that?' Umpire: 'Wasn't looking. But if 'e does it again 'e's out!'

'Whoops, sorry, Steve. That wasn't a steal sign. I had an itch on my stomach.'

'Technically, that has to go down as a missed chance...'

'Are referees black with white stripes or white with black stripes?'

You promised you wouldn't bring work home with you!

Death was inspired by the world cup referees.

Line Call in Tennis

'What do you mean there's no specific rule that forbids a center fielder from doing that?'

'He's using a cheat sheet, ump! Can he do that?'

'He only became an umpire to hide his bald spot and his beer gut!'

Cricket umpire with pile of helmets.

"Whaddya mean line ball? The ball was out! O.U.T.! You blind or something?"

'At least, this referee must be impartial, right?'

'It's not your fault, Dewey. Whenever a call doesn't go his way, he goes ballistic.'