Turning Senior Gifts

These retirement do's aren't as wild as I remember!

"She fell down stairs again, so this is her third hip."

'Oh, relax - you're doing great for your age...but I am a little concerned about out computer's old operating system.'

"Enjoy yourself while you can because before you know it, you've surpassed your 'Best Used By' date."

"Hey. Whatever happened to our sexual relations? "

". . . and now it's his memory. Three times on Saturday he asked me what day it was. Or did I already tell you that earlier?"

'As a matter of fact, I have the heart of a 30-year-old woman.'

"Bad news. Your use-by date was a month ago."

"I said remember those extra years we added to our lives by good clean livin'?"

"Don't think of this birthday as you're getting older. Think of it as being one day closer to irritable bowel syndrome."

Lilly was too far from the phone to complain about her new stairlift.

Road rage on a mobility scooter.

"I get it! I get it! Elephants never forget. Now quit bragging about it!"

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

Pensioner's Romance

"He's dead- but that's normal for his age."

"I'm thinking of letting my bangs grow out."

"America's Funniest Colonoscopy Videos."

"I didn't know you could do wheelies Stan."

'I've been offered early retirement but my wife won't let me take it.'

Man about lady in rocking chair with roll bars: 'Never too old to rock and roll.'

Computer Jobs

Love Fest 50th Reunion: Sewing any remaining wild oats encouraged!

'Can you spare a cup, for the bottom of my bird cage?'

Old Golfers never die...only those who get in their buggies way!

Pension in race with tortoise and snail.

"Last one to the top's a geriatric."

'Dang! The Hoopers have been force-feeding vitamins again.'

"Marie, are you still driving?"

"He's not gonna lose it tonight."

'I feel just like a newborn baby. . . Yes, no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

"How's your memory?"

As a louder and more satisfying alternative to clapping, Lily uses her bingo wings.

'Watch out for Harold Smedly...He has wandering long-reach pick up tools!..'