Travel Insurance Cynics Gifts

'They're out there, they swallow your stuff, and who're you gonna call?'

"If God had meant us to fly, he'd give us more leg room!"

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

'Frankly, our dental plan bites.'

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. Your HMO won't cover the Anesthesia."

We can't call the doctor, we can't call the nurse, we have to call the lady with the alligator purse.

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

The Public Option

'You do have catastrophic insurance, but it only applies in case of invasion from outer space.'

"Today we insure every American and end the need for private health insurance."

'If we can't stand up to the insurance lobby, why would the public think we can stand up against the Taliban?'

'Our policy is quite plain. We don't pay out on claims we can't pronounce.'

"I've just about had it with these corporate retreats."

'I knew it! Important Exclusion 347, 'Plummeting Pachyderms'. . .'

"Most of our procedures are out of network."

Where HMO's are headed

"I've got to admit I'm not crazy about the freeway."

'Human beings get all the breaks -- just TRY to get Medicare to pay for a tree surgeon!'

"The only psychological treatment covered by your insurance is to cry into this teddy bear."

"Your insurance company decided the heart surgery isn't necessary, but they said they'd approve breast augmentation."

'I'm can't tell if this card from our insurance company is optimistic encouragement or a threat!'

'Yes we can cure you - but the bigger problem now is: can you afford it?'

"This is a third-year medical student. To cut costs, your insurance company dismissed the surgeon."

Doctor to man: 'You'll need to empty your pockets. For symbolic purposes, let's start with your wallet.'

Sacking a unprofitable patient

I tried insuring my house over the phone but they insisted on seeing it. It was on fire at the time...

'You do have catastrophic insurance, but it only applies in case of invasion from outer space.'

So, you'd like a battery of unnecessary tests that aren't covered by insurance .. Are you sure about this? Doctor-Assisted Financial Suicide.

'The good news is that I managed to install the wind turbine...'

Entomology Lab. I think the insect population declines we've been seeing in nature are a result of problems with their healthcare system. Podiatry and vision care are not covered services. Your plan will only pay for a one-night stay in the cocoon. The HMO says this is a workers comp issue. Insurance. Premiums are higher for ladybugs than for other bugs.

'Human beings get all the breaks -- just TRY to get Medicare to pay for a tree surgeon!'

'I did everything I could...within your price range, that is.'

'Memo: Cancel flight.'

'We deny most claims, but that's how we keep your premiums so low.'

'I need you to open wide, Peel.' - 'Ahhh.' - 'Not your mouth, fool! Your wallet.' - 'Arghhh!' - 'Wider!' - 'Argh!'