Insurance Cynics Gifts

'Our next panel expert will discuss the new benefits...and needs no further introduction...'

'Pre-existing conditions - What did YOU die of?'

'Frankly, our dental plan bites.'

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. Your HMO won't cover the Anesthesia."

We can't call the doctor, we can't call the nurse, we have to call the lady with the alligator purse.

The Public Option

"Since Dr Mullin's ill, a temp from Manpower will perform your liver transplant."

'You do have catastrophic insurance, but it only applies in case of invasion from outer space.'

It's the same ingredients and aftertaste as stimulus 1..."

307 days without an accident.

'If we can't stand up to the insurance lobby, why would the public think we can stand up against the Taliban?'

"Today we insure every American and end the need for private health insurance."

'They're out there, they swallow your stuff, and who're you gonna call?'

'Our policy is quite plain. We don't pay out on claims we can't pronounce.'

'I knew it! Important Exclusion 347, 'Plummeting Pachyderms'. . .'

"Most of our procedures are out of network."

"I'll let you in on a little secret -- every pill on these shelves is a placebo, and I have no formal training."

'Yes we can cure you - but the bigger problem now is: can you afford it?'

Doctor to man: 'You'll need to empty your pockets. For symbolic purposes, let's start with your wallet.'

Where HMO's are headed

"The only psychological treatment covered by your insurance is to cry into this teddy bear."

'Human beings get all the breaks -- just TRY to get Medicare to pay for a tree surgeon!'

"This is a third-year medical student. To cut costs, your insurance company dismissed the surgeon."

'I'm can't tell if this card from our insurance company is optimistic encouragement or a threat!'

"Your insurance company decided the heart surgery isn't necessary, but they said they'd approve breast augmentation."

Sacking a unprofitable patient

'The biopsy is tiny, but it will cost you an arm and a leg.'

I tried insuring my house over the phone but they insisted on seeing it. It was on fire at the time...

'You do have catastrophic insurance, but it only applies in case of invasion from outer space.'

'I did everything I could...within your price range, that is.'

You're fine, but we'd like to run some tests on your insurance card.

Entomology Lab. I think the insect population declines we've been seeing in nature are a result of problems with their healthcare system. Podiatry and vision care are not covered services. Your plan will only pay for a one-night stay in the cocoon. The HMO says this is a workers comp issue. Insurance. Premiums are higher for ladybugs than for other bugs.

'Human beings get all the breaks -- just TRY to get Medicare to pay for a tree surgeon!'

So, you'd like a battery of unnecessary tests that aren't covered by insurance .. Are you sure about this? Doctor-Assisted Financial Suicide.

'The good news is that I managed to install the wind turbine...'