Insurance Cynics Gifts

'Our next panel expert will discuss the new benefits...and needs no further introduction...'

'Frankly, our dental plan bites.'

'Pre-existing conditions - What did YOU die of?'

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. Your HMO won't cover the Anesthesia."

We can't call the doctor, we can't call the nurse, we have to call the lady with the alligator purse.

"Since Dr Mullin's ill, a temp from Manpower will perform your liver transplant."

It's the same ingredients and aftertaste as stimulus 1..."

'You do have catastrophic insurance, but it only applies in case of invasion from outer space.'

'If we can't stand up to the insurance lobby, why would the public think we can stand up against the Taliban?'

307 days without an accident.

"Today we insure every American and end the need for private health insurance."

'They're out there, they swallow your stuff, and who're you gonna call?'

'Our policy is quite plain. We don't pay out on claims we can't pronounce.'

'I knew it! Important Exclusion 347, 'Plummeting Pachyderms'. . .'

"Most of our procedures are out of network."

"I'll let you in on a little secret -- every pill on these shelves is a placebo, and I have no formal training."

Doctor to man: 'You'll need to empty your pockets. For symbolic purposes, let's start with your wallet.'

'Yes we can cure you - but the bigger problem now is: can you afford it?'

'I'm can't tell if this card from our insurance company is optimistic encouragement or a threat!'

"The only psychological treatment covered by your insurance is to cry into this teddy bear."

Where HMO's are headed

'Human beings get all the breaks -- just TRY to get Medicare to pay for a tree surgeon!'

"This is a third-year medical student. To cut costs, your insurance company dismissed the surgeon."

Sacking a unprofitable patient

I tried insuring my house over the phone but they insisted on seeing it. It was on fire at the time...

'The biopsy is tiny, but it will cost you an arm and a leg.'

You're fine, but we'd like to run some tests on your insurance card.

'The good news is that I managed to install the wind turbine...'

'I did everything I could...within your price range, that is.'

'Human beings get all the breaks -- just TRY to get Medicare to pay for a tree surgeon!'

'You do have catastrophic insurance, but it only applies in case of invasion from outer space.'

'We deny most claims, but that's how we keep your premiums so low.'