Insurance Cynic Gifts

'Unfortunately, your insurance only allows for treatment by doctors who scored 68 or less on their medical boards.'

"You do have health insurance....right?"

"Aliens poked and experimented on me for 8 hours -- and there wasn't even a co-pay!"

'Bad news. The insurance company is pulling the plug on your medical coverage.'

The H.M.O. Expensive Care Unit: The we all have to go sometime ward.

Stock market investment advice

'Frankly, our dental plan bites.'

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. Your HMO won't cover the Anesthesia."

We can't call the doctor, we can't call the nurse, we have to call the lady with the alligator purse.

"Darling, do you remember where I put the insurance policies?"

'I don't think you can claim for this as a substitute car ...'

The Public Option

'I'm an extremely general practitioner.'

'You know, our health plan doesn't cover dental.'

'This Libor rate scandal gives new meaning to the term 'Fixed'-rate mortgage.'

'Yea, I give away the fire. I make my money on insurance.'

'You do have catastrophic insurance, but it only applies in case of invasion from outer space.'

"Just to be on the safe side, I'd like to start an aggressive course of billing you."

"Fortunately I hold the patent for the gene that's causing the ringing in your ears, and I can refer you to the doctor who holds the patent for the gene that's causing the pain in your ears."

"Today we insure every American and end the need for private health insurance."

'Good news and bad... Medical science can't cure you, but we have some marvelous support groups.'

307 days without an accident.

Banker stepping into 'New image' in 'Savings and Loans' office

'Our policy is quite plain. We don't pay out on claims we can't pronounce.'

'I knew it! Important Exclusion 347, 'Plummeting Pachyderms'. . .'

'Well we could operate. That would give you something to talk about. But that would get old quick, and them you'd be even more boring.' Why the dull rarely seek help.

'Sometimes I think it would be more merciful just to enslave them.'

Insurance company agreeing workers' compensation policy in a demolition company.

"Most of our procedures are out of network."

'Yes we can cure you - but the bigger problem now is: can you afford it?'

'Human beings get all the breaks -- just TRY to get Medicare to pay for a tree surgeon!'

Where HMO's are headed

You're right, Mr. Fusco. Your health insurance does cover pre-existing conditions. So, honestly, how long have you been a wolverine?

"Your insurance company decided the heart surgery isn't necessary, but they said they'd approve breast augmentation."

"The only psychological treatment covered by your insurance is to cry into this teddy bear."