Trauma Survivor Humorist Gifts

'As a kid, whenever I was at a petting zoo, I got bit, butted and stomped on.'

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

'If we hadn't outsourced the staff, we could've eaten them.'

Footballer with a broken leg and a ball in his cast.

Basketball injuries.

'Bottled water or other non-carbonated diet beverage!'

"What, no day spa? And you call this a luxury bunker."

Great Moments in Art History: 1898 Francis Barraud finds inspiration after having his dog spayed.

'You are here' sign on desert island.

A Not So Grand Slam.

'What are you doing whining to me about your terrible childhood? Write it all down, you idiot. You've got a bestseller there.'

Drunks brought into A&E: Alcohol and Emergent Sick.

Freak Accident Specialist

Cotton candy

"He's brutal but considerate - that's his victims' support number, NHS direct."

"Don't even bother – this oasis only has two and a half stars."

"Sure he's cute, but we should have discussed this."

Career Threatening Sport Injuries,

Randy, if you were stranded on an island, what's the one book you'd want to have along with you? Easy: Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy. It's got the perfect heft to knock coconuts out of trees. Well, I'd like to have How to Get off an Island, by Archie MacGuyver. That title's actually a metaphor for overcoming shyness. We really should have our own book review show.

'I tried to slam a revolving door.'

"And do you get a shooting pain between your eyes?"

'Are you going anywhere near a chemist?'

'Hey, I know! -- We can dig a basement and wait till it floods!'

Republican Beach. . . Nature Preserve rule: EAT OR BE EATEN!

'I told you. I'll be home with dinner just as soon as it dies.'

'I'm sorry I don't date people from other islands!'

"I'm increasing your OnlyFan subscription..."

'Well, Mr. Swine, it looks like you pulled a hamstring.'

'I bet it's nice and warm inside!'

'Number of days since last accident' a man is falling off of ladder while trying to post numbers...

'Chainsaw Championships.'

"Well done!"

'He should be okay, it's just a little tap on the head.'

"Your birthday came at just the right time. I sprained my ankle this morning."

Please Don't Ask...