Trauma Survivor Humorist Pillows

'As a kid, whenever I was at a petting zoo, I got bit, butted and stomped on.'

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

'If we hadn't outsourced the staff, we could've eaten them.'

Footballer with a broken leg and a ball in his cast.

Basketball injuries.

'Bottled water or other non-carbonated diet beverage!'

'You are here' sign on desert island.

Great Moments in Art History: 1898 Francis Barraud finds inspiration after having his dog spayed.

"What, no day spa? And you call this a luxury bunker."

A Not So Grand Slam.

'What are you doing whining to me about your terrible childhood? Write it all down, you idiot. You've got a bestseller there.'

Drunks brought into A&E: Alcohol and Emergent Sick.

Cotton candy

"Don't even bother – this oasis only has two and a half stars."

"Sure he's cute, but we should have discussed this."

"He's brutal but considerate - that's his victims' support number, NHS direct."

'I tried to slam a revolving door.'

Republican Beach. . . Nature Preserve rule: EAT OR BE EATEN!

'Well, Mr. Swine, it looks like you pulled a hamstring.'

'Hey, I know! -- We can dig a basement and wait till it floods!'

'Are you going anywhere near a chemist?'

"And do you get a shooting pain between your eyes?"

'I'm sorry I don't date people from other islands!'

"I'm increasing your OnlyFan subscription..."

'I bet it's nice and warm inside!'

'Number of days since last accident' a man is falling off of ladder while trying to post numbers...

'Chainsaw Championships.'

'He should be okay, it's just a little tap on the head.'

"Well done!"

"Of all the vehicles in heaven and you had to rear-end his car?"

Koool sunglasses, only $10-.

"Will you quit listening to your ten all-time favorite albums and help me find some food!"