Thoughtful Joker Gifts

Anti-social networking

"Would you rather get hit by a racket or chewed by a dog?"

"Ever wondered about the development of mankind if, just before the big bang, a voice said 'Oops!'"

"See how it feels"

"I tolerate you too. With all my heart."

"It's me, Lucky—you can drop the best-friend shtick."

"We could have a shoot-out, then brunch."

I am one with stupid.

'This is the third time you've gone to the bathroom tonight. Are you seeing another woman in there?'

'At least you still think I'm great, don't you, boy?'

"I think I'll go home and start some unhealthy eating habits I'll live to regret."

Valentine Comix

"You've just proven that your job doesn't exist."

"You're holding a lot of homophobia in your lower back."

Breathe-aholics Anonymous: 'Hi, my name is Glen, and I've been clean and sober for over one minute.'

'Scram! -- I don't endorse candidates!'

"Laugh and call me names, will they!"

"I started my vegetarianism for health reasons, then it became a moral choice, and now it's just to annoy people."

"I didn't see you at camouflage practice today, soldier!"

"Don't stare at the sun, Richard."

"Take no notice. It's just Norman being sarcastic again."

"I don't like to complain, but he should've created some jobs, too."

Valentine's Day Cards. Do you have one somewhere between affection and commitment?

'I like my women like I like my light bulbs; dim, cheap & easily replaced.'

'How will they know how enlightened you are, if you don't advertise?'

'Best thing I ever did was join a dating agency. Turns out my perfect partner is beer!'

"He's a barn owl, we're great horned owls – completely different class."

Niels Bohr, Albert Einstein and Ernest Rutherford talking shop.

'-and the look on his face when you overtook him in the Car Wash!'

How To Saint . . .

''Intelligent design'? -- Why, those patronizing little twerps!'

While you were out of body.

'Hey, I know what -- Let's have an enlightenment telethon!'

'If you grow up to be half the man your father is, that will be plenty.'

'Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?'