Mindful Joker Gifts

'Hey, I know what -- Let's have an enlightenment telethon!'

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

"Would you rather get hit by a racket or chewed by a dog?"

"Ever wondered about the development of mankind if, just before the big bang, a voice said 'Oops!'"

"See how it feels"

HM Prison chapel, "try to think of the lord as a 24 hour video surveillance system gathering pictures for the ultimate crimewatch"

'Golly, is it that time already?'

I am one with stupid.

Eucharist

"I tolerate you too. With all my heart."

"And what if the assailant comes at you from inside your own head."

"It's me, Lucky—you can drop the best-friend shtick."

"We could have a shoot-out, then brunch."

And the Lord said: 'I created the universe. What on earth makes you think I'll be impressed by a dead goat?'

'This is the third time you've gone to the bathroom tonight. Are you seeing another woman in there?'

'Let us now turn to the Gospel According to St. Matthew for today's sob story.'

"I think I'll go home and start some unhealthy eating habits I'll live to regret."

"You're holding a lot of homophobia in your lower back."

"You've just proven that your job doesn't exist."

Breathe-aholics Anonymous: 'Hi, my name is Glen, and I've been clean and sober for over one minute.'

'Scram! -- I don't endorse candidates!'

"Laugh and call me names, will they!"

First Church: Today's Sermon - Sinners Looking At Their Smartphones Instead of Listening To The Sermon Will Go Straight To Hell.

"He got laid off six months ago. Been pounding the pavement ever since."

'It might be all right for some but I'll not have anyone tinkering with my subconscious. Anyway, supposing they found I hadn't got one!'

"I started my vegetarianism for health reasons, then it became a moral choice, and now it's just to annoy people."

'Well, if you need me to put it into 'layman's terms' maybe you should be talking to someone with a lower IQ.'

"I don't like to complain, but he should've created some jobs, too."

'I like my women like I like my light bulbs; dim, cheap & easily replaced.'

Saint Joseph and his aspirin

'The vicar's sermon is running late again!'

"Don't stare at the sun, Richard."

"I can't tell from this far away, but he's either enlightened or dead."