Mindful Joker Gifts

While you were out of body.

'Hey, I know what -- Let's have an enlightenment telethon!'

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

"Would you rather get hit by a racket or chewed by a dog?"

"Ever wondered about the development of mankind if, just before the big bang, a voice said 'Oops!'"

"See how it feels"

'Golly, is it that time already?'

HM Prison chapel, "try to think of the lord as a 24 hour video surveillance system gathering pictures for the ultimate crimewatch"

"And what if the assailant comes at you from inside your own head."

Eucharist

I am one with stupid.

"I tolerate you too. With all my heart."

"We could have a shoot-out, then brunch."

"It's me, Lucky—you can drop the best-friend shtick."

And the Lord said: 'I created the universe. What on earth makes you think I'll be impressed by a dead goat?'

'This is the third time you've gone to the bathroom tonight. Are you seeing another woman in there?'

'Let us now turn to the Gospel According to St. Matthew for today's sob story.'

'At least you still think I'm great, don't you, boy?'

I never had a pony, Dr. Kapuchnik. Get over it, Al. Tastes like chicken.

"You're holding a lot of homophobia in your lower back."

"You've just proven that your job doesn't exist."

"I think I'll go home and start some unhealthy eating habits I'll live to regret."

Breathe-aholics Anonymous: 'Hi, my name is Glen, and I've been clean and sober for over one minute.'

"He got laid off six months ago. Been pounding the pavement ever since."

'Scram! -- I don't endorse candidates!'

"Laugh and call me names, will they!"

'It might be all right for some but I'll not have anyone tinkering with my subconscious. Anyway, supposing they found I hadn't got one!'

First Church: Today's Sermon - Sinners Looking At Their Smartphones Instead of Listening To The Sermon Will Go Straight To Hell.

"I started my vegetarianism for health reasons, then it became a moral choice, and now it's just to annoy people."

'Well, if you need me to put it into 'layman's terms' maybe you should be talking to someone with a lower IQ.'

'The vicar's sermon is running late again!'

"I don't like to complain, but he should've created some jobs, too."

Valentine's Day Cards. Do you have one somewhere between affection and commitment?

"Don't stare at the sun, Richard."

"I can't tell from this far away, but he's either enlightened or dead."