Meditation Joker Gifts

'How will they know how enlightened you are, if you don't advertise?'

"I'm TRYING to extinguish my ego, but I feel so CONSPICUOUS up here!"

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

"The answers to the questions you seek could also be found on Google."

"To listen to your instincts, press one."

I am one with stupid.

'I'm trying to become enlightened, but my stomach keeps growling and interrupting me!'

Psychobabble.

"Psst! I got mantras. You need a mantra? Mantras right here..."

Jim's Smart Kettle

Man tries to build a traditional Indian Guru bed using flatpack furniture.

Roger couldn't understand why his diet wasn't working.

"I'm not finished exercising. I still have a couple of laps to go."

"Hang on a second! This nutcase is allowed on the furniture, but I'm not?!"

"I brought chips and cookies to snack on and baby carrots to sit unopened on the blanket."

"As far as I can tell, meditation is just worrying minus the content."

'I think things went wrong for me in the fifth round.' 'In hindsight, was that a good time to begin meditating?'

Football crazy

"I don't need roughage that badly!"

Bob had trouble connecting with nature, whereas nature seemed to have no trouble at all connecting with Bob.

"Look! Now they offer healthy choices we can glance at before ordering our usual junk."

'Can I use your mantra today? - I forgot mine.'

Warning: Eating this food could result in a decrease of health benefits

'Scram! -- I don't endorse candidates!'

"Processed food was his undoing. He was eating a salad sandwich in the warehouse, when a pallet of pork pies fell on him!"

"Wine and women are off but can sing as much as you like!"

'Nobody's looking -- how about a third-eye opener?'

'Becoming enlightened fifteen minutes before I did doesn't EITHER give you seniority!'

Look Enlightened - Here comes the Guru.

"I've been meditating as hard as I can and nothing happens."

'They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said no no no.'