Meditation Humorist Gifts

"Psst! I got mantras. You need a mantra? Mantras right here..."

"The answers to the questions you seek could also be found on Google."

I just wish he'd warn us when he's going to have an out-of-body-odor experience.

Guided Intimidation

'It's the darnedest thing -- last night I dreamed I was eating shredded wheat.'

'Have you emptied your mind completely, my son?', 'Does thinking about Paris Hilton count?'

'Nobody's looking -- how about a third-eye opener?'

'It sounds like somebody just attained enlightenment.'

"Maybe I'll get cable"

'Can I use your mantra today? - I forgot mine.'

'I'm trying to become enlightened, but my stomach keeps growling and interrupting me!'

"All right, guys - Meditate till you feel the burn!"

Wash hand before making sound of one hand clapping.

"Ideal - mine's completely empty."

Man tries to build a traditional Indian Guru bed using flatpack furniture.

"What do I do to relieve stress? I meditate, about not working here."

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

"I'm TRYING to extinguish my ego, but I feel so CONSPICUOUS up here!"

"Did you unpack your baggage yourself?"

'Please join me now in a group meditation.'

Zenboni

"Meditation is too hard. How do you keep one thought in your mind for this long?"

'I think Mr. Teddy's getting too dependent on me.'

Foot Massage

"I pick up most of my wisdom from celebrity interviews.'

'Oh, Freud is too darn hard to read -- I switched to Dr. Phil years ago.'

I could only get a settlement of £50,000 and you get some of it.

'It might be all right for some but I'll not have anyone tinkering with my subconscious. Anyway, supposing they found I hadn't got one!'

Recycle your problems. Many of our neuroses, hang-ups and character defects can be re-used by others.

Yogi Comedy: A yogi comedian tells a yoga joke. '...is this thing aum?'

"My master has built himself a "Zen Garden"! Now, I'm the one who's stressed as I'm not allowed in the garden anymore..."

'Contemplate this summons.'

'Most of my relevant experience was gained in my past life, so I'm a bit rusty.'

'Oh yeah! First to reach enlightenment... Right here! Eat my dust, bitches!'

'I get better results with a live elephant and an invisible fence.'