Theologian's Delight Gifts

'I've been wrestling with my conscience, Pastor, but now it wants to make it two out of three falls.'

Church leader at desk has 3 boxes marked 'Black', 'White' and 'Gray Area'.

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

Priest

'It wasn't actually written by God. The Lord used holy ghost writers.'

'Eve wants a second opinion about the apples.'

My mother says the bible is full of good people, like Moses, who brought kindness to the world. That alone makes it a worthy basis for morality in today's world. Moses, Numbers 31:9-18(NIV), look it up.

'It's not much of a soap opera with just that Adam guy.'

'We were kind of hoping to let our CONSCIENCE be our guide.'

Hot cross buns

"I must have pressed the wrong button."

What Does God Know?

BRAND-NEW OMG-STORY

'These bitcoins things are backed by technology and the internet! What could possibly go wrong?'

"Instead of Red Team and Blue Team, why don't we make it Good v. Evil?"

The Pope Code

Pre-nuptual Nativity

'Kill all the Canaanites? -- Won't that set a bad precedent?'

''Born again'? -- but I was just born five years ago!'

Worst. God. Ever.

'I really can't think of a thing to preach about this morning, so I'll take questions from the floor.'

"This wandering in the desert for forty years thing -- It IS allegorical, isn't it?"

'Oh, I understand -- with the 'coveting' part, we can get everybody!'

"Blasphemy, yes, but it was funny."

"...And when the Lord finished, she rested."

I hear you're preaching godlessness, you little heathen. I'm preaching intellectual honesty. There is no proof of a Judeo Christian almighty. You might as well believe in Zeus or the spiritual powers of a raisin scone. Where do you think morality comes from? What do you think is the basis for our civil society? The almighty! All hail the raisin scone! HOJ.

The Venerable Bede

'Hey, what's with all this 'God forbid' stuff?'

John the Baptist was clothed in camels hair and eight locusts.

"Great sermon! - When it comes to sin, you sure know what you're talking about!"

"During Lent we must share with poor children what we have in abundance."

"It's obvious Jesus accepts everyone. His disciples were fishermen, and we know what kind of lies we tell."

"Wait a minute! - First you say, 'Lay up treasures in Heaven,' and then you say, 'You can't take it with you'!"

God is a spider.

"Everyone wants to known what Jesus would do. No one ever asks how Jesus is feeling about his complicated relationship with his father."