Theologian With A Twist Gifts

"I must have pressed the wrong button."

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

Adam and Eve toast next to a serpent bartender.

'Eve wants a second opinion about the apples.'

Hot cross buns

What Does God Know?

'I hear he has a reputation as a loose Canon.'

'Kill all the Canaanites? -- Won't that set a bad precedent?'

Church Parking Space Reserved For Sinner Of The Week

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

John the Baptist was clothed in camels hair and eight locusts.

'Hey, what's with all this 'God forbid' stuff?'

You're too enamored of wealth, Al. As it says in the Bible, "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle that for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." Is that a regular Camel, or does it have a filter tip?

"Great sermon! - When it comes to sin, you sure know what you're talking about!"

"During Lent we must share with poor children what we have in abundance."

"It's obvious Jesus accepts everyone. His disciples were fishermen, and we know what kind of lies we tell."

"It's an apple pie, try it..."

'Can I help you?'

"How come there's a forbidden fruit but not a forbidden vegetable?"

"You call it 'faith in God' when your faith is really in the humans who interpret what other humans wrote. Which was edited, revised, and translated by other humans. And was originally based on stories other humans orally passed from one generation of humans to the next, about events yet other humans claimed to have witnessed thousands of years ago."

"I'd like to make a supper reservation for 12 disciples + 1, and could you put us at a table big enough so we can all sit on one side."

Forgive me Father for I have sinned

Garden of Eden: Director's Cut

'I sure wouldn't want to be MY brother's keeper!'

Jesus Fish

"Jesus was a champion of the poor. If he came back today, you would not be able to hear him over the sound of religious conservatives booing his liberal agenda."

Sex and Violence....Hell and Brimstone.

"I'll have a pastrami on rye!"

'Create Adam before Eve -- He'll need some time to clean up around there a little first.'

'I've been wrestling with my conscience, Pastor, but now it wants to make it two out of three falls.'

Peter denies Jesus three times.

Shoot, it smeared - I knew I shouldn't have written the 11th commandment on my hand.

Fundamentalist sex ed: people come from ribs, as Adam and Eve.

"If push comes to shove, I bet you could do some damage with the plowshare."

'You make 23,725 little mistakes, they never let you forget it.'