Televisions Gifts

Kindly readers, scientific literature has long established that women who spend a lot of time together synchronize their hormonal cycles. I believe I have discovered an analogous phenomenon in men. They too synchronize their cycles. What cycles? Their upgrade cycles! Look carefully, if you will, at the way men who like or work in close quarters seem to develop similar cycles for upgrading phones, televisions and other gadgets. I got a new phone! I got a new butter churn! He's right! Aaaahhh!!!

'I love your new flat screen saloon.'

Focus Group in session - 1. Contrast, 2. Sharpness, 3. Vertical hold, 4. Horizontal hold.

Trial by Media

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"Thanks to the Oscars, we're going to be the hottest finger food this season."

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

Mike (The Situation) is rumored to have written the original manuscript for his best-selling memoir entirely out of bronzer.

Showbiz Awards

"No, it wasn't a sinkhole. Your old TV was so heavy the ground could no longer take the weight."

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

In his younger days Spock was quite the comedian.

"They grow up so fast."

Dear, could you please pick up some batteries? The ones in the remote are dead and I feel like I'm Amish.

"Have you tried binge-watching a show together?"

Bowled over again!

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

He's in training for the rugby World Cup.

'The following program is intended for beer bellied, sports crazed, couch potatoes!'

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"I've no idea. Maybe it's the slumber channel."

'Einsteiners.'

Assault 'n' Vinegar

"Let's go watch TV I hear there are bowl games on."

Horror movies

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

Television Readers.

'Mighty strange weather tonight, followed by downright weird tomorrow....'

"Don't worry - I'm here for the television."

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

'The secret to doing a book report is only picking books that have been made in to movies.'

Royal Mail boss to become ITV boss.