Tv Technician Gifts

'That's not a window... that's my large screen TV!'

"I'm afraid there's nothing I can do to improve the quality of the programmes, Madam."

The 2.5% Solution

'I can fix the fuzziness and the vertical hold, but I can't do anything about Chris Matthews.'

'Sacked? Just like that - with no explanation?'

'The next door neighbor's dang psychic waves keep interfering with my reception.'

'Adjustment of your picture is necessary - call your repairman.'

Space alien enters TV store to have his antennas adjusted.

'It's swearing back at you.'

'The shows will look the same, but the commercials appear in 3-D high definition.'

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

Man hitting a TV and going out of focus himself.

'Your plasma screen TV needs a transfusion.'

"How embarrassing, I'm literally glued to the television."

"Get a move on Hardwicke, we need it for the 6 o'clock news!"

"Hey, you've fixed the telly too!"

"Cable, my foot! Still snow on the TV!"

'There's nothing wrong with the sound, lady, it's a Party Political broadcast, that's all.'

Audiovisual law

'The problem isn't your high definition television, it's your low definition eyes.'

'And this is where they switched to High Definition.'

TV Repair 101.

"Cable company. . . ? I want to know why my television picture is totally upside down all the time!!"

"This kind flies around. Or do you want to rent a monotone speaker for your conference?"

'We are experiencing technical difficulties, please stand by...'

"Sky, sir?"

'I hear they're going to cable.'

Customer to TV repair man - "Thank god you got here. I was beginning to wander around."

'You say your picture's funny?...I'm surprised you got a picture at all. That's a microwave oven!'

'Hey! You forgot the TV!'

"It's a very common problem, sir, and here's a simple diagnostic test you can try: If you click the remote and it goes away, it's a TV show. If it DOESN'T go away, it's reality. Hey, you're welcome! Glad I could help you!"

'And here's the little feller that'll have been the cause of all your problems. . .'

'I agree-Gary Lineker can get up your nose sometimes,but...'

"He's here to help install our new converter box."

'There's a lot we don't know about horizontal TV syndrome.'