Tech Realist Gifts

"I've got bad news: The captain has assured us that we're not being replaced by automation, and that we have job security."

"I guess it's ethical. Let me run it through my 'Ethics Check' app."

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

Cheeze Wiz.

"Swiping won't cut it sonny-boy, you have to physically walk to the next painting."

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

World Production.

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"It's a shame, excellent recommendations and a superb skill set but lacks the boiling hot all consuming ambition and ruthless desire for self promotion required as head of stationary procurement."

"You need the toilet. . . hang on I think I've got an app for that."

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

"We end our Newscast with a happy story tonight."

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

'I just happened to be in the right place at the right time to make CEO.'

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

Great moments in science. . . 'Nice work, you've isolated the funding gene.'

'Remember Jones, your organs are worth more to us than your intellectual property.'

"Now that's power."

Three years ago during a special episode of the Ask Sadie™ show, our resident octogenarian asked readers for advice about how she could deal with her midlife crisis. You should try a radical makeover. When I hit midlife, I dyed my hair, got some tattoos, and dropped 75 pounds. My husband barely recognized me when he returned from overseas. He was not happy with my "new self," so I divorced him rather than change who I'd become. It was the best decision I'd made since I cut my thieving mother out

"Well, you could wish for a new kitchen and a bathroom renovation; or alternatively you could just wish for a less idle husband."

'They had a sale on electric green.'

"I see fleeting moments of happiness in between extended periods of boredom and stress."

'What do you mean the FDA is going to start regulating the use of eyes of Newts?'

"Didn't we have a door over there?"

"Wanting to view it after taxes will cost you another wish."

Warning Being Alive On This Planet May Cause Cancer

'And these are just some of the changes of the future that our chaps in R&D have come up with.'

"who knows, Perkins maybe one day in the far future we'll be bullying each other in addictive artificial environments..."

Al, I hear that only one out of 100 art school graduates goes on to make a living in art. That's where I was smart, Axel: I flunked out!

"Fourteen months ago, I started with H20. I just ended with H20."

"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be taken out of context and put on Twitter and then it'll be a whole thing."

Proverbs for Real Life. When one door closes it's probably locked and your key is on the other side.

Blood is thicker than water. Oil is thicker yet.