Tableside Comedian Gifts

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

They hated me.

Snowprov

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

Selfish shellfish - 'You kids share your food and stop being shellfish!'

Man fishing in goldfish bowl - "Its always been the same with you Norman.. No ambition."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"I stand corrected. Hard as you try, sometimes you just can't find the humor in a situation."

"There will be a Q&A...but in this era of Trump I will be insulting anyone whose questions I don't like."

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"OK, I know that this is borderline inappropriate, but just hear me out ..."

"I've always wanted to do this - 'knock, knock...who's there?'"

'Have you been taking your medicine every day?'

"My husband wanted me to get a boob job, so I became a stand-up comedian."

"So, Mrs. Fessler, I understand you're a stand-up comic."

'And the winner of the 'biggest loser in love' category is...'

'You said to come back once I got my act together.'

Chicken: the one-man show

"Waiter! - this soup tastes funny!"

Comedy Rule

Tragedy and Material

Comedy course highlights fake nose

"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."

Phill Jupitus

'What have I told you about laughing on purpose, Mother?'

'This has been quite a year for Washington, D. C.... worst snowstorm in history AND the worst snow job!'

"And, in this corner, weighing five pounds more than she'd like..."

"I'm dating a stand-up comedian...!"

Woody Allen

'You said he wasn't a dirty comedian. This guy is filthy!'

"No-chance the rapper"

"Tonight's big story... we're leaving you... it's not you, it's us..."

"Well, you did get a raise out of him. He's still laughing!"

'Prior to serving as a network political policy analyst...our next speaker was a standup comic.'