Sideline Comedian Gifts

'Never mind! He's in an HMO. ...They're sending a tow truck.'

'And at what stage did you realise the ball you were heading was on the TV?'

Baseball pitch with a sign saying 'No Left Turn.'

Man fishing in goldfish bowl - "Its always been the same with you Norman.. No ambition."

"Let's play make-believe. I'll diagnose you with a life-threatening illness, then cure you with a wonder-drug that turns out to be a placebo."

'Who stuck corks on all the cursors?'

"Roll over. Your Zs are looking like Ns."

'Have you been taking your medicine every day?'

Scene on the English coast.

"Is that true love or what? My masters are vegetarians, but they still buy me juicy bones..."

'They're both great quarterbacks, but I chose Matt as my starter because he's dating a celebrity!'

'I've called maintenance about your bed, Mr. Grimes...Mr. Grimes?'

'Aren't you supposed to drop the clam on the rock?'

'Thanks to Obama the Nobel Prize has lost much of its prestige. This is the third time I got one in my surprise meal this week.'

'See that, Greg? His back is straight. Both feet flat on the floor. Eyes fixed on the game. It's natural talent, Greg. You just can't teach that.'

'It's alright for you - you're going home today!'

'The double codpiece and chips is very popular with the Blackpool crowd, your highness.'

'Are you paying attention Eurasia?' 'Sorry, I was drifting.'

'We got your test results back. Read it and weep.' Bedside bloopers

"Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed..."

"OY! You trying to nick my chips?"

"Quiet please... the players are about to begin grunting."

'The gannets are worse than the gulls!'

"Just stopping by to say I'm still ignoring you."

New Season's Bathing Machines

Players from both teams charge into the seats and grab the belligerent fan.

'Oh - you're there! I was hoping I could just leave a message.'

'The day after labor day at 8 AM, is good for me, is it good for you?'

"It appears Tom's cable is out again!"

'How about instead of the $383,000 I owe you in back taxes, I give you some free advertising space on my web site?'

"I wonder if Eminem would like to come and have a go at our neighbours..."

The Gulf Stream

"Pull up past the armadillo."