Off-side Comedian Gifts

'And at what stage did you realise the ball you were heading was on the TV?'

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

Pounding speeds up the computer.

'And were there a point to your proposal, Henderson - What would it be?'

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

'We've set the bar quite high at this company. It helps us control bonuses.'

'I should not that the cherry and whipped cream were an afterthought created by our graphics dept.'

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'I'm glad you guys could work this out in a reasonable manner.'

Desk trays - 'in', 'out', and 'one of these days'.

'The lads at the office still talk about the day you told the boss what to do with his job...'

"I believe we've found the weakest link."

"Now that I have everyone's attention..."

'No, your guess isn't as good as mine.'

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

'Let me worry about the one percent inspiration, you just take care of the 99 percent perspiration.'

"Be patient. He'll have to visit the water cooler sooner or later."

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

"The meeting will come to order."

'Senior management wanted me to raise morale so I made Lionel from accounts 'office jester'!'

"I drink just enough coffee to make me think I can do my job."

'Mr. Dawson, about when I said 'don't pull any punches'...'

"Morning, all!"

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

The best financial decision I ever made.

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

"We have an acronym!"

"It has come to my attention that some work-from-home employees aren't maintaining company standards."

'It's a lateral move, you'll now be getting all of Kramer's work too.'

'The portrait is a mark of his extreme egotism, but, if you curtsy and bow sufficiently...say, 'Oh Yes Sir!'!, to everything he says, you should do OK'

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

Time for More Paperwork

In many ways this is the perfect job! Out. Out.