Offbeat Humorist Gifts

'Sorry...you're not quite right for the position.'

NO, I don't want to hear 'my dog's has fleas'!

'Now THERE'S a friendship I've never quite understood. That's Ludwig van Beethoven on the left, with Harvey Fernquist, the inventor of telephone 'hold' music!'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"The Eggsorcist"

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

The opera - 'Please, sir, give us your ticket, if you ain;t a-goin' in again.'

"[UNABLE TO PROCESS THIS IMAGE]"

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"Are you the one they call El Cóndor?"

"The pea's the first vegetable I've ever grown. Can you stuff and mount it for me please?"

The mysterious ancient stone figures of Keister Island.

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

Gustav Holst

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

Off Off Off Off Broadway

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

"So, Owen tells me you guys met in art school."

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.