Offbeat Humor Gifts

While You Were Hibernating...

'Acme toys' 'In case of fire, water pistol'

'Have a good day? No thank you. I had other plans.'

"You're going to fit right in here at the firm."

"What do you recommend for someone being tried in absentia?"

You don't need to believe EVERYTHING you are told.

'It's the pink spot, Jim lad - them rascals is going to try and tweak my nipples!'

"The pea's the first vegetable I've ever grown. Can you stuff and mount it for me please?"

'Sorry...you're not quite right for the position.'

'Can I have your autograph...?'

'I used to chase cars. Now I chase yield.'

"Occasionally he lobs a brick at the cat."

The sudden extinction of Neanderclowns

"Sorry, Jeff. This just isn't working as I'd hoped."

"Would you like to buy a commemorative photo of your firing?"

Road Kill Cafe.

'Now that's what I call an overactive thyroid.'

'So the little boy who missed his bedtime was eaten by the awful slimy monster and was never heard from again.'

'I seem to be very conservative but secretly, I'm a rebel - I don't wear pants.'

'I'm worried about my brother, doctor!'

Frank Loved Bubblewrap

"It's perfect."

"Are any of these the perpetrator?"

Baggage Claim: Anyone Who Knows How To Hot-Wire A Car.

Wave to the Goldfish!

'Now THERE'S a friendship I've never quite understood. That's Ludwig van Beethoven on the left, with Harvey Fernquist, the inventor of telephone 'hold' music!'

If Only Magazine: The Pot Belly Is In!

"Unexpected Spanish Inquisition in bagging area ..."

Insurance Broker - "Mrs Dumpty,there's nothing in the policy about walls."

'I was never convicted! Doesn't that count for something!?'

NO, I don't want to hear 'my dog's has fleas'!

"What do you think of our new offering buckets Preacher?"

Incontinent ballistic missile

Dunbreathin.

101 uses of a dead cat: clamps