Offbeat Humor Fans Gifts

'I used to chase cars. Now I chase yield.'

"What are you talking about? We don’t even have a toilet seat!"

"The pea's the first vegetable I've ever grown. Can you stuff and mount it for me please?"

'Upon further review, the pig did not have control of the ball prior to being eaten...'

'If only you could do this with a cow once in a week, we'd save a lot of money for the food delivery service, Rupert!'

'Sorry...you're not quite right for the position.'

"Sorry, Jeff. This just isn't working as I'd hoped."

Road Kill Cafe.

'Have a good day? No thank you. I had other plans.'

Cow Pat Planning

'So the little boy who missed his bedtime was eaten by the awful slimy monster and was never heard from again.'

"I told you not to order the Zamboni."

'I'm worried about my brother, doctor!'

A man shoots his head at a basketball hoop.

Ice fisherman using plunger to catch fish

'...and before we ask the $100,000 question, we've enclosed Carl in our sealed soundproof booth.'

'I'm part of you, you're part of me...'

'This is just a routine check, sir -- are you a turtle?'

"You're going to fit right in here at the firm."

'I'm still pretty unwell, I'm not sure if I'll be in the office tomorrow.'

'Now THERE'S a friendship I've never quite understood. That's Ludwig van Beethoven on the left, with Harvey Fernquist, the inventor of telephone 'hold' music!'

If Only Magazine: The Pot Belly Is In!

The one thing that drives elephants wild is sickeningly sweet elevator music.

"Whoa whoa whoa, I haven't even told you my safe word yet!"

'How long shall we wait until we start eating each other?'

Attack of the Really Lame Stick Figures

'We can mail these thank you cards now that I've forged your name.'

"It's just not the same."

'There's no easy way to tell you this Mr.Lymtop...But i'm afraid you have an inoperable brain tuna.'

Insurance Broker - "Mrs Dumpty,there's nothing in the policy about walls."

Rorschach multiple-choice test.

"D'you know I believe you're right - there isn't any water in here!"

'Acme toys' 'In case of fire, water pistol'

"What do you think of our new offering buckets Preacher?"

'You know it's true what they say, Larry: Hell hath no fury like a potato scorned.'