Offbeat Comedy Lover Gifts

Off Licence - "What wine goes with breakfast?"

"Squirting flower, squirting flower...."

"The pea's the first vegetable I've ever grown. Can you stuff and mount it for me please?"

'No, you weren't there. But in your expert opinion as a certified brainiac, do you think he did it?'

Eugene Ionesco

National Liberty and Tax Codes.

'So, ten thousand pounds could be yours if you call in and answer this question...Why the hell aren't you in bed?!'

'Sorry...you're not quite right for the position.'

Alien asking for Bernard manning's autograph

The Clown Hit

Unpopular Street Signs: Go, Please Litter, Yes Parking, Garbage Collection - Sometimes Never - Mon-Fri.

Ink Eraser

'Can I have your autograph...?'

"What did he say?"

'I used to chase cars. Now I chase yield.'

Road Kill Cafe.

'I'm afraid we only publish A list celebrity cookbooks.'

Thanks to hypnosis, he quit smoking cold-turkey. Everyone seemed real supportive until he came strutting into work, half-naked, gobbling incoherently.

"Okay, so the current occupants are being tormented by supernatural forces, but they do agree to pay closing costs."

'We rape, pillage and kill. THAT'S our corporate mission statement.'

"Well, he was a lousy captain, but he sure knows how to go out in style!"

'You can come out now, Harold. Economists say a recession won't happen.'

'So the little boy who missed his bedtime was eaten by the awful slimy monster and was never heard from again.'

'I've done everything that medical science can do...now I suggest you sacrifice a goat to Nagoomba.'

'I'm afraid that I'm going to wind up an old maid!'

'I'm worried about my brother, doctor!'

I don't care if you did win the bloody X-Factor. You're dealing with the H-Factor here.

"Another impulse purchase?"

"Well, you did say that you were just looking for something to get you started on the property ladder."

"This one's different, mummy, he wants me for my brain."

Unreal Estate.

'Now THERE'S a friendship I've never quite understood. That's Ludwig van Beethoven on the left, with Harvey Fernquist, the inventor of telephone 'hold' music!'

'My latest invention...the credit rock!'

"So why do they call you Big Dog?"

Queen Ranavola of Madagascar executed any of her subjects who appeared in her dreams....