Offbeat Comedy Fan Gifts

Insurance Broker - "Mrs Dumpty,there's nothing in the policy about walls."

'Hurry up in there! -- I don't have all day, you know!'

"You're losing the audience. Switch to the Powerpoint presentation."

Zombie standup

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

Unable to raise enough money for a trip to Paris, the Bartlesville High French Club had to settle for three days in Tulsa.

"Why do they do that?"

"Let's just say I have a pre-existing condition."

CSI: Mother Goose Unit...'Hmmm...I'm beginning to suspect that perhaps mister Dumpty's demise wasn't simply a tragic accident.'

"A retired superhero's re-purposed utility belt"

"When is my next parole hearing?"

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

Help! I'm ROFL and ICGU!

Bad fake tan day.

Giraffe Umbrella

"Okay, you both know the rules: no trash talk, no batting the other guy all over the house if he’s unconscious, watch the claws and nails..."

Old navy veteran 3rd base coach

Summer 2000: Children stumble upon the remains of Linda Tripp's old head.

If time travel was invented in 1600 in England. I'm a fan of the bard. Let's see if he wants to take a journey through time. Globe Theater. Sounds fun! Let's go to 2020. It's a nice round number. Zazzz! Poof! That's weird. How did they know he was coming? And why does he need to leave this place? Apparently you can't be here, William. The sign says "No Shakespeare in the park this summer."

The Rooster Comedian.

A Fairytale Update

"That's it lads, 364 days annual leave...what would we have done without our union!"

Baby knocks old lady out with pram toy.

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

Vlad the Impala

'He who laughs last probably doesn't get it.'

'I got 100 in school today. 50 in history and 50 in maths.'

"Lordy, I am such a klutz!"

Caddie brings his golfer a shovel in the sand trap.

What nationality were your parents? North or south Poles?

'Sometimes, laughter is the best medicine.'

"Out damn Spot

Godzillla eating people using telephone poles as chopsticks.

"If God had meant us to fly, he'd give us more leg room!"

"That is an outrageous slur."