Bedside Humorist Gifts

'Oh - you're there! I was hoping I could just leave a message.'

'Have you been taking your medicine every day?'

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"And for my next trick. . . turning wine back into water."

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

'But they told me to take her down to theatre...'

Robodoc... the NHS surgeon of the future.

'and remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'

"This stool shall pass."

"She fell down stairs again, so this is her third hip."

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

"WHich one is mine?"

'See? The idiots put my danged knee replacement in backward!'

"He's going to be O.K., but he still wants you to remarry."

Woman in hospital has i.v. attached to plant.

'Oh, believe me -- you don't want to hear it in layman's terms!'

Cash Machines From Across the Land

"Sorry, that's not my table."

'Let me guess...it's contagious!'

Downloading Pregnancy

'Mongrel' 'Bitch's' - His and Hers towels for Dogs.

"It was a cheese and wine party but the mice got there first!"

"Hey, welcome to the Catskills. Anyone here from New Jersey?"

'Wow! That was quite some push Mrs Smith...'

'The funny part is that the aerial was fine -- the TV set was just unplugged!'

"You'll feel a pinch now and another one when the bill comes."

Saline Drip Sommelier.

I just hope my doctor is not on twitter too!

'Charles, you're carrying this 'king of the castle' business too far!'

"We've combine the recovery area with the gift shop... just in case your visitors want to pick up a little souvenir."

"Gross."

'Gee!' (doctor looking at x-ray)

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. Your HMO won't cover the Anesthesia."