Doorstep Humorist Gifts

Almost, but not quite, welcome.

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

Owing to a clerical error, Luciano Pavarotti receives kudus instead of kudos for his performance as the Duke of Mantua.

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

'I've been sitting on this mountain for 25 years, and what I've learned is that true happiness can only be found in the soothing relief of a fast-acting hemorrhoid cream!'

'I think that our next door neighbor might have lived here.'

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

"There's got to be a better way to raise potatoes!"

"Actually, 'Loss of Limb' would be covered under your homeowners policy."

Magic Act

The Sensitive Dude.

'Have you been taking your medicine every day?'

Echo Mountain...NO Yodeling! - Falling rock zone.

Bed Fellow

"I #*#*#* hate gardening, I'd much rather be at work!!"

'Gravity wins - again.'

"Apparently he told Chris Tarrant it was just enough to pay off his mortgage!"

'As you wish Santa. But if we allow them to share our bed only once, be prepared to put up with them every night!'

Robinia Floribunda

"It's been a rainy winter."

'My member requires some interest.'

"Your rose dust gets into everything, and your caladiums attract toads; and another thing: your damn marigolds are stinking up the whole area."

'Uh oh. Wax moths! There goes the neighborhood.'

"Oh, are you attacking from home today?"

'Surely you could have missed one episode of Eastenders !!'

Man on the way to Heaven worries about steps.

'I'm not up here seeking wisdom - this is the only place they'll let me smoke.'

Chicane

"I didn't spend seventeen days climbing this bloody mountain, in all weathers, for a lecture on personal hygiene!"

The Theatre of Mime.

"The adventures of Robin Hood are becoming a lot less adventurous."

'Of course you can stay the night-what d'you fancy-on top or underneath?'

Witch steals a traffic man's Go sign.

Fire Alarm

' Dave - I need you to give me more space.'