Homebound Humorist Gifts

"So which of you stays at home looking after the kids all day?"

"I'm staying healthy during lock-down by increasing my consumption of kale. . .the 'K' is silent."

"Right now, I'm walking the dog."

Pandemic Pitfall!

"I #*#*#* hate gardening, I'd much rather be at work!!"

"I'm not trying to be spider anything, I'm just insanely bored."

"Where do we go on summer vacation this year? Back yard or front yard?"

Working from home

"You've been reported for flaunting social distancing rules. . ."

"I'm working from home today."

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

What's that? - 'It's a mosquito bite.' - 'Scratch it!' - 'No, I need to buy some cream.' - 'Make it bleed!!!' - 'Gahhh!!!' -

Bob's Driving School.

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"Funny. My girlfriend said the same thing."

'She'll never look for me here.'

"It was a cheese and wine party but the mice got there first!"

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Yard Sale

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

'What about you...you've been living here thirty years too?'

Man fishing in goldfish bowl - "Its always been the same with you Norman.. No ambition."

"Just the slippers is fine!"

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"There's got to be a better way to raise potatoes!"

"There goes our early night."

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

"I'd hold off on the peking duck another five minutes...the show's almost over."

I haven't been down there since last Valentine's day. I want to check on a couple who asked me to rekindle their romance. A year ago I told them that thanks to me they'd be spending more time together and less time at their offices. I said I'd make it so they'd have lots of nights at home ordering some take-out and watching a movie. They must be very happy with me. All I did was shoot an arrow of love, but apparently they think I caused some sort of pandemic to happen!

'I really hate cleaning this thing.'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

"Yes, I'm working from home, and my kids are here helping me."

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

"You're back. Hold on … just give me a minute."