Door-knocker Humorist Gifts

Bibles r us.

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

'Boy, watch out for that pursestring suture!'

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

All bets are off as Round One begins in the "Dollars versus Donuts" World Championship title fight.

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"There's only the four of us. I hope you like doo-wop."

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

'The first day on the job was not going well for Al...'

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

'I can't believe this.. biggest fight of my life, and I forget to pack a wallop.'

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

Paunch and Judy.

'How much are your upside-down cakes? 99p.'

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

Bed Fellow

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.

'We've got a personal hygiene foul! Number 70!... Fifteen yards!!'

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

"I #*#*#* hate gardening, I'd much rather be at work!!"

'Yes, we are dining by candlelight because I thought it would be romantic. And also, because I didn't pay my electricity bill.'

'Gravity wins - again.'