Borderline Humorist Gifts

Help Wanted: To Build a Wall.

"You forgot to tell him about the cigars and liquor under the seats, Dad."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

"Gee, thanks pal."

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

Glance Exchange

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

"The Eggsorcist"

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

Atomic Bear: Part 21

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

"Do you think there's intellegent life in there?"

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,