Sideline Commentator Gifts

Coaching the quarterback

'They're both great quarterbacks, but I chose Matt as my starter because he's dating a celebrity!'

Baseball pitch with a sign saying 'No Left Turn.'

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

Opportunities in Coronatimes

"Nation-building never works."

Trump Administration Raising White Flag in Ukraine

Enhanced Pedophilia Interrogation Techniques

"I AM at my usual position."

'OK, everybody, calm down,,,'

"You know who's tougher than all your little superheroes? The fossil fuel industry."

"And the winner is… Dan the Man by a nose!"

Trump Poutine

Here's the Weird Anti-Terrorist Trash Talk That Stayed on Donald Trump's Cutting Room Floor After the Manchester Attack

Who gets the anti-corona vaccine?

"It isn't much of a dragon, but then, she wasn't much of a maiden."

'What's wrong with those Europeans? We have more murders in this city than England, France Germany and Spain combined.'

Laughingstock

"This just in: According to a recent poll, painkillers have replaced religion as the opiate of the masses."

"Mom, does the Russian borscht you made for dinner give me foreign-policy experience?"

Political Candidates' Playbook Signals from the sidelines

"....So called 'fake news' is dangerous to our democracy!"

"‘Click’, you have reached the White House, press 1 for shameless groveling, 2 for presidential pardons, and please have your credit card details ready..."

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

A lock labeled 'freedom' covers a man's mouth.

"I just know he's gonna ask me why I voted for Trump."

'I was hounded out of office!', 'That explains the smell.'

"Actually, yes, honey — I do believe 'Fox News' is an oxymoron."

"National Metaphor Day by the looks of it."

"Hey...look...I'm prepared to admit that I might have been wrong, but...I think it's time to draw a line under it... and y'know...move on..."

'Why does my opponent keep lying about me?', 'Because truth is stranger than fiction?'

Unemployed recession: the irony is killing me

Tearing up the Iran Deal

"I mean the Saturday Night Live president, not the lousy one."

What've you been up to since college, Lemont? Oh, I became a journalist … had a kid, blah blah … but I wanna hear about you, Rudy. Grigori Rasputin. How've you been all these years? How's your Uncle Mort? Are you a Russian spy? Boop boop boop. How'd that stomach-tumble-translator startup you founded in the nineties go? Wait ... what did you say you became? What do they have on President Trump? How's your cat? Boop.