Tableside Comedian Pillows

They hated me.

Snowprov

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

Selfish shellfish - 'You kids share your food and stop being shellfish!'

Man fishing in goldfish bowl - "Its always been the same with you Norman.. No ambition."

"I stand corrected. Hard as you try, sometimes you just can't find the humor in a situation."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"There will be a Q&A...but in this era of Trump I will be insulting anyone whose questions I don't like."

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"OK, I know that this is borderline inappropriate, but just hear me out ..."

"I've always wanted to do this - 'knock, knock...who's there?'"

'Have you been taking your medicine every day?'

"My husband wanted me to get a boob job, so I became a stand-up comedian."

'And the winner of the 'biggest loser in love' category is...'

'You said to come back once I got my act together.'

"Waiter! - this soup tastes funny!"

Chicken: the one-man show

'This has been quite a year for Washington, D. C.... worst snowstorm in history AND the worst snow job!'

Tragedy and Material

"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."

Comedy course highlights fake nose

'What have I told you about laughing on purpose, Mother?'

Comedy Rule

"And, in this corner, weighing five pounds more than she'd like..."

"No-chance the rapper"

Grim Reaper Checkout

'Prior to serving as a network political policy analyst...our next speaker was a standup comic.'

"Tonight's big story... we're leaving you... it's not you, it's us..."

"Well, you did get a raise out of him. He's still laughing!"

"I'm dating a stand-up comedian...!"