Sit-down Comedian Pillows

Man fishing in goldfish bowl - "Its always been the same with you Norman.. No ambition."

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

They hated me.

Zombie standup

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

"Hi there! - I'm the world's first eco-friendly comedian... All My Jokes Are Recycled...!"

Snowprov

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

Tommy Cooper at the bottle bank - Glass, Bottle, Bottle, Glass..

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

The only time cats are known to laugh.

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

'His workout regimen consists of 50 sit-downs every day.'

"Hey, welcome to the Catskills. Anyone here from New Jersey?"

"....And what's the deal with fetch? You want the stick or don't you? Make up your mind already!"

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

Stand-up comic/ceo: 'A funny thing happened on the way to the board meeting...'

'Um, can I get a FOURTH opinion?'

Feline Stand Up - 'Fetching...how dumb is that? And another thing I don't understand...what's with all that TAIL WAGGING?'

"My parents said that until I find a job and move out they will not recognize me as a sentient being."

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

Gifts from the House of Low Goals.

"What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"

"Let's play make-believe. I'll diagnose you with a life-threatening illness, then cure you with a wonder-drug that turns out to be a placebo."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

Jim Carrey,

"I stand corrected. Hard as you try, sometimes you just can't find the humor in a situation."

"There will be a Q&A...but in this era of Trump I will be insulting anyone whose questions I don't like."

Physics Improv. "I now vill be taking suggestions from ze audience..."

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

Stephen Fry